What is IIT?
The Indian Institutes of Technology is another name for IIT, which is the acronym for Institute of Infinite Tension, Institute of Indian Technology, etc. These institutes of so-called national importance were set up by the Indian Parliament at various campuses across India, decided purely on merits of political alliances of the ruling party. Operation IIT began under Prime Minister Jawaharlal Nehru to reduce the average intelligence of Indians. Just like Zion in Matrix, where 3% of the people who do not accept the Matrix are gathered together to prevent dissent as a whole, IITs were formed by the Government of India to gather at one place the 3% of the intelligentsia of the country and export them away. The IITs have proved to be very productive, growing from a single institute in 1951 to 16 now (and counting).
the Blind Man and his Dog
This blind fella is standing at the corner with his seeing eye dog waiting to cross the street, when his pooch lifts his leg and you guessed it, right down the side of his nice herringbone tweed trousers.
The guy immediately reaches into his jacket pocket and retrieves a doggie treat which he starts to offer to the dog.
A businessman, who is also waiting to cross the street, observes this happening and interrupts, "None of my business, but are you aware of the fact that your dog just wizzed all down the leg of your pants?"
"Yes, I'm trying to break him of that habit", replies the blind man.
"Well, it's none of my business," retorts the onlooker, "but you're not going to teach him much by rewarding him with a treat!"
To which the blind fella chuckles, "Oh I'm not rewarding him. I'm just trying to find his head so I can kick his ass!"
the Accountant.
A businessman tells his friend that his company is looking for a accountant.
His friend asks, "Didn't your company hire a new accountant a few weeks ago?"
The businessman replies "Yah, yhat's the accountant we're looking for."
His friend asks, "Didn't your company hire a new accountant a few weeks ago?"
The businessman replies "Yah, yhat's the accountant we're looking for."
Women's Night Out.
Two women go out one Friday night without their husbands.
As they head back home, they felt the urge to pee.
They noticed the only place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway.
The first one did not have anything to clean herself with, so she took off her panties, wiped, and threw them away.
The second woman didn't have anything either, and thought, "I'm not getting rid of my panties..." After looking around for a minute, she used the ribbon of a flower wreath to clean herself.
The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other, "We have to be on the look-out, it seems that these two were up to no good last night. My wife came home without her panties."
The other one responded, "That's nothing. Mine came home with a card stuck to her butt that read, 'We will never forget you'
As they head back home, they felt the urge to pee.
They noticed the only place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway.
The first one did not have anything to clean herself with, so she took off her panties, wiped, and threw them away.
The second woman didn't have anything either, and thought, "I'm not getting rid of my panties..." After looking around for a minute, she used the ribbon of a flower wreath to clean herself.
The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other, "We have to be on the look-out, it seems that these two were up to no good last night. My wife came home without her panties."
The other one responded, "That's nothing. Mine came home with a card stuck to her butt that read, 'We will never forget you'
Bin Laden, What a surprise!
10 years,
trillions of dollars,
thousands of soldiers dead,
state of the art technology,
but the US finally found Bin Laden.
In his house.....
trillions of dollars,
thousands of soldiers dead,
state of the art technology,
but the US finally found Bin Laden.
In his house.....
What an Idea..!!!
My laboratory assistant has invented a device that allows you to steal other people's ideas and then permanently delete them from the subject's memory.
Why didn't I think of that?
Why didn't I think of that?
Stamina
I met a girl in a nightclub and told her 'I'm going to fuck you in my bedroom, my bathroom, my kitchen and my lounge when we get back to mine'.
She replied, 'Wow, let's go, it's good to find a man with such stamina these days'.
For some reason she didn't seem too impressed when we finally got to the caravan.
She replied, 'Wow, let's go, it's good to find a man with such stamina these days'.
For some reason she didn't seem too impressed when we finally got to the caravan.
Beware of Fools
The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard at low pay for long hours.
The blacksmith immediately began his instructions to the lad
"When I take the shoe out of the fire, I'll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer."
The apprentice did just as he told. Now he's the village blacksmith.
The blacksmith immediately began his instructions to the lad
"When I take the shoe out of the fire, I'll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer."
The apprentice did just as he told. Now he's the village blacksmith.
Lawyer's Advice
These two guys, George and Harry, set out in a Hot Air balloon to cross the Atlantic Ocean.
After 37 hours in the air, George says "Harry, we better lose some altitude so we can see where we are". Harry lets out some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon descends to below the cloud cover.
George says, "I still can't tell where we are, lets ask that guy on the ground".
So Harry yells down to the man "Hey, could you tell us where we are?".
And the man on the ground yells back "You're in a balloon, 100 feet up in the air".
George turns to Harry and says "That man must be a lawyer". And Harry says "How can you tell?".
George says "Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally useless".
the Clever Couple
A not so rich couple decided to stay at a very exclusive hotel for a night. The manager immediately recognized them for what they are but could not throw them out, instead he decided to be clever. In the morning the couple came to settle the bill and were surprized to find they owe $3000.
"How's this? We've only been here one night!" the man was annoyed.
"So?", said the manager, "this is a very expensive hotel. We have golf courts, tennis courts, swimming pools, exercise rooms, bars and restaurants, all this is very expensive to keep up."
"But we didn't use any of these!" explained the couple.
"If you didn't use - that's your problem," came the reply.
"In that case, you owe me $2000. You see, my wife is a call girl who charges $5000 a night, so please settle your bill," said the man.
"What do you mean?" the manager was taken off guard, "I didn't sleep with your wife!"
"If you didn't use - that's your problem!"
The two Attorneys
Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks.
Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.
The waiter became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"
The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.
Help Yourself
Two men were in a restaurant and ordered fish.
The waiter brought a dish with two fish, one larger than the other.
One of the men said to the other, "Please help yourself."
The other one said "Okay", and helped himself to the larger fish.
After a tense silence, the first one said, "really, now, if you had offered me the first choice, I would have taken the smaller fish!"
The other one replied, "What are you complaining for; you have it, don't you?"
The waiter brought a dish with two fish, one larger than the other.
One of the men said to the other, "Please help yourself."
The other one said "Okay", and helped himself to the larger fish.
After a tense silence, the first one said, "really, now, if you had offered me the first choice, I would have taken the smaller fish!"
The other one replied, "What are you complaining for; you have it, don't you?"
Two redneck Hunters.
Two redneck hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their pickemup truck.
Another hunter approached pulling his along too. "Hey," says the lone hunter, "I don't want to tell you how to do something... but I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer in the opposite direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground."
After the lone hunter left, the two rednecks decided to give it a try.
A little while later one says to the other, "Ya know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!" "Yep," the other added, "but we're gittin' further away from the truck...."
dead Bird
A Marine and a Soldier were walking outside when the Soldier said "Look at the dead bird."
The Marine looked skyward and said "Where, where?"
hard to Spell.
A policeman is on scene at a terrible accident - body parts everywhere.
He is making his notes of where the pieces are and comes across a head. He writes in his notebook: "Head on bullevard" and scratchs out his spelling error.
"Head on bouelevard" Nope, doesn't look right - scratch scratch.
"Head on boolevard..." dang it! Scratch scratch.
He looks around and sees that no one is looking at him as he kicks the head. "Head on curb."
the Competition
The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
Getting Hard
One day there were two boys playing by a stream.
One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it and the other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at the bush so long.
The other boy went over to the bush and looked.
The two boys were looking at a woman bathing naked in the steam.
All of a sudden the second boy took off running.
The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away so he took off after his friend.
Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away.
The boy said to his friend, "My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran."
One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it and the other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at the bush so long.
The other boy went over to the bush and looked.
The two boys were looking at a woman bathing naked in the steam.
All of a sudden the second boy took off running.
The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away so he took off after his friend.
Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away.
The boy said to his friend, "My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran."
69
A girl brings a guy home one night. They get into her apartment and immediately she suggests that they do "69".
"What the hell is that?" asks the guy.
Realizing he's inexperienced, she tries to explain,"I put my head between your legs and you put your head between mine."
Still not knowing what she's talking about, but not wanting to ruin the moment he agrees to try it.
The second they get in to the position, she lets go a RIP-ROARING fart.
"What was that for?" he asks. "Oooopppps! Sorry, lets try it again" she says.
So, they get into position again, and once more she lets one loose.
The guy gets up and starts to put his coat on. "Wait, where are you going?" she asks.
The guy says, "If you think I'm sticking around for 67 more of those, you're crazy !!!"
"What the hell is that?" asks the guy.
Realizing he's inexperienced, she tries to explain,"I put my head between your legs and you put your head between mine."
Still not knowing what she's talking about, but not wanting to ruin the moment he agrees to try it.
The second they get in to the position, she lets go a RIP-ROARING fart.
"What was that for?" he asks. "Oooopppps! Sorry, lets try it again" she says.
So, they get into position again, and once more she lets one loose.
The guy gets up and starts to put his coat on. "Wait, where are you going?" she asks.
The guy says, "If you think I'm sticking around for 67 more of those, you're crazy !!!"
what's what?
One day, little Tommy, bored out of his mind, went to his father for suggestions on what to do to pass the time. "I'll tell you what," said the father, "take this dollar and run into town and get me a dollars worth of what's what."
Tommy grabbed the dollar, hopped on his bike and rode into town. Once there, he had to decide what store would have the what's what.
He stopped in front of the pharmacy and went in. He went to the pharmacist's desk, held up the dollar and said, "I'd like a dollar's worth of what's what, please."
The pharmacist knew immediately that the boy was on a wild goose chase and said, "If you go across the street, to the house with the red light on the front porch, they can get you some what's what."
Tommy ran across the street and knocked on the front door. A tall, stunning blonde, completely naked, opened the door. Her pussy was right in little Tommy's face.
Pointing to it he said, "what's that?"
"What's what?" the whore replied.
"Good, I'll take a dollar's worth."
Tommy grabbed the dollar, hopped on his bike and rode into town. Once there, he had to decide what store would have the what's what.
He stopped in front of the pharmacy and went in. He went to the pharmacist's desk, held up the dollar and said, "I'd like a dollar's worth of what's what, please."
The pharmacist knew immediately that the boy was on a wild goose chase and said, "If you go across the street, to the house with the red light on the front porch, they can get you some what's what."
Tommy ran across the street and knocked on the front door. A tall, stunning blonde, completely naked, opened the door. Her pussy was right in little Tommy's face.
Pointing to it he said, "what's that?"
"What's what?" the whore replied.
"Good, I'll take a dollar's worth."
Filing Taxes
A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?"
The woman replies, "I'm a whore."
The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that."
The woman, "OK, I'm a prostitute.". "No, that is still too crude. Try again."
They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm a chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?".
The woman replied, "Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year."
The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?"
The woman replies, "I'm a whore."
The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that."
The woman, "OK, I'm a prostitute.". "No, that is still too crude. Try again."
They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm a chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?".
The woman replied, "Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year."
HelpFul Bob
Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak.
Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you."
The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?" Bob says, "OK."
Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?" Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK."
Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful.
Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.
The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it." Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?"
The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it."
Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you."
The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?" Bob says, "OK."
Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?" Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK."
Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful.
Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.
The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it." Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?"
The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it."
Little Bets
A little old lady went into the Bank one day, carrying a bag of money. She asked to speak with the bank president to open an account because, "It's a lot of money!" The reluctant staff finally ushered her into his office.
The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash on his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, where did you get this money?"
The old lady replied, "I make bets." The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The old lady said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president.
That night, he was very nervous about the bet and often checked his balls in the mirror. The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."
Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president said, "What wrong with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 am today, I'd have the Bank president's balls in my hand!"
The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash on his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, where did you get this money?"
The old lady replied, "I make bets." The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The old lady said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president.
That night, he was very nervous about the bet and often checked his balls in the mirror. The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."
Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president said, "What wrong with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 am today, I'd have the Bank president's balls in my hand!"
Dark Secrets
At school Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.
He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."
The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your real father a big hug."
He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."
The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your real father a big hug."
the BET...
A deaf mute walks into pharmacy to buy condoms. He has difficulty communicating with the pharmacist, and cannot see condoms on the shelf.
Frustrated, the deaf-mute finally unzips his pants, places his dick on the counter, and puts down a five dollar bill next to it.
The pharmacist unzips his pants, does the same as the deaf- mute, and then picks up both bills and stuffs them in his pocket.
Exasperated, the deaf mute begins to curse the pharmacist wildly in sign language.
"Look," the pharmacist says, "if you can't afford to lose, you shouldn't bet."
Frustrated, the deaf-mute finally unzips his pants, places his dick on the counter, and puts down a five dollar bill next to it.
The pharmacist unzips his pants, does the same as the deaf- mute, and then picks up both bills and stuffs them in his pocket.
Exasperated, the deaf mute begins to curse the pharmacist wildly in sign language.
"Look," the pharmacist says, "if you can't afford to lose, you shouldn't bet."
Love Lives
Three women were talking about their love lives.
The first said "My husband is like a Rolls-Royce; smooth and sophisticated."
The second said "Mine is like a Porsche; fast and powerful."
The third said "Mine is like an old Chevy. It needs a hand start and I have to jump on while it's still going."
In the Library
"What time does the library open?" the man on the phone asked.
"Nine A.M." came the reply. "And what's the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?"
"Not until nine A.M.?" the man asked in a disappointed voice.
"No, not till nine A.M.!" the librarian said. "Why do you want to get in before nine A.M.?"
"Who said I wanted to get in?" the man sighed sadly. "I want to get out."
Where is the Library?
A gentleman wanders around the campus of a college looking for the library. He approaches a student and asked, "Excuse me, young man. Would you be good enough and tell me where the library is at?"
The student, in a very arrogant and belittling tone, replied, "I sorry, sir, but at this school, we are taught never to end a sentence with a preposition!"
The gentleman smiled, and in a very apologetic tone replied, "I beg your pardon. Please allow me to rephrase my question. Would you be good enough to tell me where the library is at, asshole?"
Johnny likes Arts
The teacher brings a statue of Venus into class and asks, "What do you like best about it, class? Let's start with you, Robert."
Robert: "The artwork."
Teacher: "Very good. And you, Peter?"
Peter: "Her tits!"
Teacher: "Peter, get out! Go stand in the hall! And you, Johnny?"
Johnny: "I'm leaving, teacher, I'm leaving..."
it's always about Maths
Teacher: "If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?"
Boy: "Seven!"
Teacher: "No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?"
Boy: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Let's try this another way. If I give you two apples and two apples and another two apples, how many apples have you got?"
Boy: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?"
Boy: "Seven!"
Teacher: "How on earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?"
Boy: "I've already got one rabbit at home now!"
What's the fucking difference?
Boy: "I got an F in arithmetic."
Father: "Why?"
Boy: "The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' and I said '6'"
Father: "But that's right!"
Boy: "Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"
Father: "What's the fucking difference?"
Boy: "That's exactly what I said!"
Catholic Maths
A mom and dad were worried about their son not wanting to learn math at the school he was in, so they decided to send him to a Catholic school.
After the first day of school, their son comes racing into the house, goes straight into his room and slams the door shut.
Mom and dad are a little worried about this and go to his room to see if he is okay. They find him sitting at his desk doing his homework.
The boy keeps doing that for the rest of the year. At the end of the year the son brings home his report card and gives it to his mom and dad.
Looking at it they see under math an A+.
Mom and dad are very happy and ask the son, "What changed your mind about learning math?"
The son looked at mom and dad and said, "Well, on the first day when I walked into the classroom, I saw a guy nailed to the plus sign at the back of the room behind the teacher's desk and I knew they meant business."
the Three Parrots
A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot.
The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says "The parrot to the left costs 500 dollars".
"Why does the parrot cost so much?" the customer asks.
The owner says "It knows how to use a computer."
The customer asks about the next parrot and is told "That one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system."
Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot and is told "That one costs 2,000 dollars."
Needless to say this begs the question "What can it do?!"
The owner replies "To be honest I have never seen it do a thing but the other two call him boss!"
The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says "The parrot to the left costs 500 dollars".
"Why does the parrot cost so much?" the customer asks.
The owner says "It knows how to use a computer."
The customer asks about the next parrot and is told "That one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system."
Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot and is told "That one costs 2,000 dollars."
Needless to say this begs the question "What can it do?!"
The owner replies "To be honest I have never seen it do a thing but the other two call him boss!"
Damn! the Parrot
There's a fella with a parrot. And the parrot swears like a sailor, an absolute pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.
One day, it gets to be too much. The guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him hard and yells "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says "OK for you." He locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.
This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush. At this point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.
For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws, and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets very, very quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's worried enough to open the freezer door.
The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on." The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.
Then the parrot says "By the way, what did that chicken do to you?"
the Blessed Parrot
A guy walks into a petstore. For the past two weeks he has suspected his wife of cheating on him, so he decides to buy a parrot that can tell him what goes on at his housee during the day while he is at work.
"Wel,"' says the petstore owner, "I only got one bird that can do that, but he's got no legs." The guy looks at him and says "Well if he ain't got no legs, how's he balance himself on the perch." "He's got a really long penis, so he wraps it around the perch."
The guy thinks it over and decides to buy the parrot. He takes it home and sure enough the bird wraps his penis around the perch for balance.
Everyday the man comes home and asks the parrot if his wife has been cheating on him. Everytime the same answer "Raawk, nothing doing, Raawk".
One day he comes home and finds the parrot lying on the bottom of its birdcage. He picks it up and asks what has happened. "Raawk, big happenings, Raawk, big happenings."
"What happened?" asks the man.
The parrot responds "Raawk, first your best friend came over, Raawk, then your wife made him breakfast, raawk, then they started kissing, raawk, then your wife took off her shirt."
"And then what happens?!" asks the man really upset.
"Raawk, I don't know, thats when I got a hard on and fell off my perch!"
the Two Fools
There were these two guys out hiking when they came upon an old, abandoned mine shaft. Curious about its depth they threw in a pebble and waited for the sound of it striking the bottom, but they heard nothing. They went and got a bigger rock, threw it in and waited. Still nothing. They searched the area for something larger and came upon a railroad tie. With great difficulty , the two men carried it to the opening and threw it in. While waiting for it to hit bottom, a goat suddenly darted between them and leapt into the hole!
The guys were still standing there with astonished looks upon their faces from the actions of the goat when a man walked up to them. He asked them if they had seen a goat anywhere in the area and they said that one had just jumped into the mine shaft in front of them! The man replied "Oh no, that couldn't be my goat, mine was tied to a railroad tie."
Hung like a Horse
A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!
A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.
The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.
the Pretenders
There's a guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to the guy with a Chihuahua "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."
The guy with the Chihuahua says "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."
The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says "Just follow my lead." They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses and he starts to walk in. A guy at the door says "Sorry, no pets allowed." The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The guy at the door says "A Doberman Pinscher?" He says "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good." The guy at the door says "Come on in."
The guy with the Chihuahua figures "What the heck", so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in. The guy at the door says "Sorry, no pets allowed." The guy with the Chihuahua says "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The guy at the door says "A Chihuahua?"
The guy with the Chihuahua says "You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?!"
The guy with the Chihuahua says "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."
The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says "Just follow my lead." They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses and he starts to walk in. A guy at the door says "Sorry, no pets allowed." The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The guy at the door says "A Doberman Pinscher?" He says "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good." The guy at the door says "Come on in."
The guy with the Chihuahua figures "What the heck", so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in. The guy at the door says "Sorry, no pets allowed." The guy with the Chihuahua says "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The guy at the door says "A Chihuahua?"
The guy with the Chihuahua says "You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?!"
Washing My Dog
A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner "Mom & Pop" grocery picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent.
The grocer walked over and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.
"Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog."
"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him."
But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.
About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.
"Oh, he died," the boy said.
The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog."
"Well," the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him."
"Oh? What was it then?"
"I think it was the spin cycle!"
the Drunk
An obnoxious drunk stumbles into the front door of a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says "No way buddy you're too drunk."
A few minutes later the drunk comes in throught the bathrooms, again he slurs "Give me a drink." Bartender says "No, man, I told you last time you're too drunk."
Five minutes later the guy comes in throught the back door and orders a drink, again the bartender says "You're too drunk."
The drunk scratches his head and says "Damn I must be... the last two places said the same thing."
A few minutes later the drunk comes in throught the bathrooms, again he slurs "Give me a drink." Bartender says "No, man, I told you last time you're too drunk."
Five minutes later the guy comes in throught the back door and orders a drink, again the bartender says "You're too drunk."
The drunk scratches his head and says "Damn I must be... the last two places said the same thing."
the Three Strange Customers
A guy walks into a bar. With him is a cat and an ostrich. The man says "Get me a Budweiser." The ostrich says "May I have an orange juice?" The bartender nods. Then the cat says: "I'll have a shot of Vodka, but I'm notpaying." They finish their drinks and leave.
The next night, the man walks in with the cat and the ostrich again. The man orders a Bud, the ostrich orders orange juice, and the cat has vodka, but insists on not paying.
The third night that this happens, the bartender is pretty curious. He walks over to the man and says "Tell me, why do you come here everyday with a cat and an ostrich?"
The man looks around and says "Well, I was walking home from the bar four nights ago, and I took a short cut through an alley. I found this old lamp, and it had a genie in it. He said 'Son, this is your lucky day. I'm going to grant you one wish' and I wished for a bird with long legs and a tight pussy.
The next night, the man walks in with the cat and the ostrich again. The man orders a Bud, the ostrich orders orange juice, and the cat has vodka, but insists on not paying.
The third night that this happens, the bartender is pretty curious. He walks over to the man and says "Tell me, why do you come here everyday with a cat and an ostrich?"
The man looks around and says "Well, I was walking home from the bar four nights ago, and I took a short cut through an alley. I found this old lamp, and it had a genie in it. He said 'Son, this is your lucky day. I'm going to grant you one wish' and I wished for a bird with long legs and a tight pussy.
the Expert
An old Englishman walks into a bar an asks for a bottle of 38 year old wine from Leonne, France.
The bartender not wanting to go to the cellar gave the Englishman the closest bottle of wine he has. The Englishman tasted it and said "This wine is only 2 years old and is from Santiago de Chile."
The bartender was amazed, but at the same time curios, so he gave him another bottle. The Englishman goes "This wine is 17 years old and is from San Diego, California."
The bartender was so amazed that he gave him another bottle. The Englishman tasted it and said "This wine is 30 years old and is from Lima, Peru."
Finally the bartender goes to the cellar and got the right bottle and gave it to the Englishman.
The Englishman said: "Finally, a 38 year old wine from Leonne, France."
An old drunk that had been watching goes up to the Englishman and said "Could you please tell me what kind of drink is this" and hands him a cup.
The old Englishman tasted and said "What the fuck, this is piss."
And the drunk replied "Yeah I know but could you please tell me from where because I'm so drunk that I don't remember where I live."
The bartender not wanting to go to the cellar gave the Englishman the closest bottle of wine he has. The Englishman tasted it and said "This wine is only 2 years old and is from Santiago de Chile."
The bartender was amazed, but at the same time curios, so he gave him another bottle. The Englishman goes "This wine is 17 years old and is from San Diego, California."
The bartender was so amazed that he gave him another bottle. The Englishman tasted it and said "This wine is 30 years old and is from Lima, Peru."
Finally the bartender goes to the cellar and got the right bottle and gave it to the Englishman.
The Englishman said: "Finally, a 38 year old wine from Leonne, France."
An old drunk that had been watching goes up to the Englishman and said "Could you please tell me what kind of drink is this" and hands him a cup.
The old Englishman tasted and said "What the fuck, this is piss."
And the drunk replied "Yeah I know but could you please tell me from where because I'm so drunk that I don't remember where I live."
the FreeLoader
A man walks into a bar, sits down and orders a Bud. He says "Give me a beer before problems start!"
The bartender doesn't understand but gives the man a beer.
After 15 minutes the man orders a beer again saying "Give me a beer before problems start!"
The bartender looks a little bit confused but pours the man a beer.
The goes on the whole night and after the 15th beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man
"What do you mean with before problems start, when are you going to pay for the beers you drunk."
The man answers "You see right now the problems start!"
The bartender doesn't understand but gives the man a beer.
After 15 minutes the man orders a beer again saying "Give me a beer before problems start!"
The bartender looks a little bit confused but pours the man a beer.
The goes on the whole night and after the 15th beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man
"What do you mean with before problems start, when are you going to pay for the beers you drunk."
The man answers "You see right now the problems start!"
the Pianist
There was a bar with a sign that read "Pianist Wanted." A guy walks in there and says "I'm here for the pianist job."
The owner says "Well, play us a tune and if you're good enough then you've got the job." He sits down and plays a song that nearly puts the owner in tears."Oh, what a great song! What's it called?" the manager asks.
"It's called, the dog with 2 dicks and my wife's doin my brother!"
"Um, that's strange but play us one more tune." The man plays another tune and this
time the manager breaks down with tears. "What do you call that song?" he sheepishly asks.
"The frog takin a shit and the camel with 3 humps!" he replies.
The manager told him that he had the job on one condition: he must not tell the customers
the names of the songs he is playing. He started that playing that night. After every song he would get a standing ovation.
After about 2 hours he stood up and said "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to take a quick break and I will return in a few moments." So he ducked into the toilets to take a slash.
On his way out a man passing said "Hey, do you know your zips undone and your cocks hangin out!"
The Pianist replies "know it, I wrote it!"
The owner says "Well, play us a tune and if you're good enough then you've got the job." He sits down and plays a song that nearly puts the owner in tears."Oh, what a great song! What's it called?" the manager asks.
"It's called, the dog with 2 dicks and my wife's doin my brother!"
"Um, that's strange but play us one more tune." The man plays another tune and this
time the manager breaks down with tears. "What do you call that song?" he sheepishly asks.
"The frog takin a shit and the camel with 3 humps!" he replies.
The manager told him that he had the job on one condition: he must not tell the customers
the names of the songs he is playing. He started that playing that night. After every song he would get a standing ovation.
After about 2 hours he stood up and said "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to take a quick break and I will return in a few moments." So he ducked into the toilets to take a slash.
On his way out a man passing said "Hey, do you know your zips undone and your cocks hangin out!"
The Pianist replies "know it, I wrote it!"
Cowboys and Guns
A cowboy walks into a saloon bar and orders a large bourbon. Finishing his drink, he turns to the face the guy playing the piano, takes out his gun, shoots the music papers into the air, shoots the guys hat off and finally shoots the lid down trapping the poor guys fingers, before a flash spin with the gun and puts it back in its holster.
"Brilliant shooting," says the bartender, "mind if I look at your gun."
Another flashy spin brings the gun into the bartenders hands.
"Nice tool, but if I were you I would file off the sight, all the rough edges, and where your name is in diamonds on the handle, make it all nice and smooth."
"What the hell for?" asks the cowboy.
"Well see that piano player," says the bartender, "He is Billy The Kid, and when his hands are better he is going to ram that gun up your fucking arse"
"Brilliant shooting," says the bartender, "mind if I look at your gun."
Another flashy spin brings the gun into the bartenders hands.
"Nice tool, but if I were you I would file off the sight, all the rough edges, and where your name is in diamonds on the handle, make it all nice and smooth."
"What the hell for?" asks the cowboy.
"Well see that piano player," says the bartender, "He is Billy The Kid, and when his hands are better he is going to ram that gun up your fucking arse"
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