the Clever Couple

A not so rich couple decided to stay at a very exclusive hotel for a night. The manager immediately recognized them for what they are but could not throw them out, instead he decided to be clever. In the morning the couple came to settle the bill and were surprized to find they owe $3000.

"How's this? We've only been here one night!" the man was annoyed.

"So?", said the manager, "this is a very expensive hotel. We have golf courts, tennis courts, swimming pools, exercise rooms, bars and restaurants, all this is very expensive to keep up."

"But we didn't use any of these!" explained the couple.

"If you didn't use - that's your problem," came the reply.

"In that case, you owe me $2000. You see, my wife is a call girl who charges $5000 a night, so please settle your bill," said the man.

"What do you mean?" the manager was taken off guard, "I didn't sleep with your wife!"

"If you didn't use - that's your problem!"

The two Attorneys

Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks.

Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.

The waiter became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"

The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.

Help Yourself

Two men were in a restaurant and ordered fish.

The waiter brought a dish with two fish, one larger than the other.

One of the men said to the other, "Please help yourself."

The other one said "Okay", and helped himself to the larger fish.

After a tense silence, the first one said, "really, now, if you had offered me the first choice, I would have taken the smaller fish!"

The other one replied, "What are you complaining for; you have it, don't you?"

Two redneck Hunters.

Two redneck hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their pickemup truck.

Another hunter approached pulling his along too. "Hey," says the lone hunter, "I don't want to tell you how to do something... but I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer in the opposite direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground."

After the lone hunter left, the two rednecks decided to give it a try.

A little while later one says to the other, "Ya know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!" "Yep," the other added, "but we're gittin' further away from the truck...."

dead Bird

A Marine and a Soldier were walking outside when the Soldier said "Look at the dead bird."

The Marine looked skyward and said "Where, where?"

hard to Spell.

A policeman is on scene at a terrible accident - body parts everywhere.

He is making his notes of where the pieces are and comes across a head. He writes in his notebook: "Head on bullevard" and scratchs out his spelling error.

 "Head on bouelevard" Nope, doesn't look right - scratch scratch.

"Head on boolevard..." dang it! Scratch scratch.

He looks around and sees that no one is looking at him as he kicks the head. "Head on curb."

the Competition

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

Getting Hard

One day there were two boys playing by a stream.

One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it and the other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at the bush so long.

The other boy went over to the bush and looked.

The two boys were looking at a woman bathing naked in the steam.

All of a sudden the second boy took off running.

The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away so he took off after his friend.

Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away.

The boy said to his friend, "My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran."

69

A girl brings a guy home one night. They get into her apartment and immediately she suggests that they do "69".

"What the hell is that?" asks the guy.

Realizing he's inexperienced, she tries to explain,"I put my head between your legs and you put your head between mine."

Still not knowing what she's talking about, but not wanting to ruin the moment he agrees to try it.

The second they get in to the position, she lets go a RIP-ROARING fart.

"What was that for?" he asks. "Oooopppps! Sorry, lets try it again" she says.

So, they get into position again, and once more she lets one loose.

The guy gets up and starts to put his coat on. "Wait, where are you going?" she asks.

The guy says, "If you think I'm sticking around for 67 more of those, you're crazy !!!"

what's what?

One day, little Tommy, bored out of his mind, went to his father for suggestions on what to do to pass the time. "I'll tell you what," said the father, "take this dollar and run into town and get me a dollars worth of what's what."

Tommy grabbed the dollar, hopped on his bike and rode into town. Once there, he had to decide what store would have the what's what.

He stopped in front of the pharmacy and went in. He went to the pharmacist's desk, held up the dollar and said, "I'd like a dollar's worth of what's what, please."

The pharmacist knew immediately that the boy was on a wild goose chase and said, "If you go across the street, to the house with the red light on the front porch, they can get you some what's what."

Tommy ran across the street and knocked on the front door. A tall, stunning blonde, completely naked, opened the door. Her pussy was right in little Tommy's face.

Pointing to it he said, "what's that?"

"What's what?" the whore replied.

"Good, I'll take a dollar's worth."

Filing Taxes

A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?"

The woman replies, "I'm a whore."

The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that."

The woman, "OK, I'm a prostitute.". "No, that is still too crude. Try again."

They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm a chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?".

The woman replied, "Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year."

HelpFul Bob

Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak.

Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you."

The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?" Bob says, "OK."

Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?" Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK."

Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful.

Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.

The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it." Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?"

The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it."

Little Bets

A little old lady went into the Bank one day, carrying a bag of money. She asked to speak with the bank president to open an account because, "It's a lot of money!" The reluctant staff finally ushered her into his office.

The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash on his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, where did you get this money?"

The old lady replied, "I make bets." The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The old lady said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president.

That night, he was very nervous about the bet and often checked his balls in the mirror. The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."

Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president said, "What wrong with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 am today, I'd have the Bank president's balls in my hand!"

Dark Secrets

At school Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.

He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."

The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your real father a big hug."

the BET...

A deaf mute walks into pharmacy to buy condoms. He has difficulty communicating with the pharmacist, and cannot see condoms on the shelf.

Frustrated, the deaf-mute finally unzips his pants, places his dick on the counter, and puts down a five dollar bill next to it.

The pharmacist unzips his pants, does the same as the deaf- mute, and then picks up both bills and stuffs them in his pocket.

Exasperated, the deaf mute begins to curse the pharmacist wildly in sign language.

"Look," the pharmacist says, "if you can't afford to lose, you shouldn't bet."

Love Lives

Three women were talking about their love lives.

The first said "My husband is like a Rolls-Royce; smooth and sophisticated."

The second said "Mine is like a Porsche; fast and powerful."

The third said "Mine is like an old Chevy. It needs a hand start and I have to jump on while it's still going."

In the Library

"What time does the library open?" the man on the phone asked.

"Nine A.M." came the reply. "And what's the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?"

"Not until nine A.M.?" the man asked in a disappointed voice.

"No, not till nine A.M.!" the librarian said. "Why do you want to get in before nine A.M.?"

"Who said I wanted to get in?" the man sighed sadly. "I want to get out."

Where is the Library?

A gentleman wanders around the campus of a college looking for the library. He approaches a student and asked, "Excuse me, young man. Would you be good enough and tell me where the library is at?"

The student, in a very arrogant and belittling tone, replied, "I sorry, sir, but at this school, we are taught never to end a sentence with a preposition!"

The gentleman smiled, and in a very apologetic tone replied, "I beg your pardon. Please allow me to rephrase my question. Would you be good enough to tell me where the library is at, asshole?"

Johnny likes Arts

The teacher brings a statue of Venus into class and asks, "What do you like best about it, class? Let's start with you, Robert."

Robert: "The artwork."

Teacher: "Very good. And you, Peter?"

Peter: "Her tits!"

Teacher: "Peter, get out! Go stand in the hall! And you, Johnny?"

Johnny: "I'm leaving, teacher, I'm leaving..."

it's always about Maths

Teacher: "If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?"

Boy: "Seven!"

Teacher: "No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?"

Boy: "Seven!"

Teacher: "Let's try this another way. If I give you two apples and two apples and another two apples, how many apples have you got?"

Boy: "Six."

Teacher: "Good. Now if I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?"

Boy: "Seven!"

Teacher: "How on earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?"

Boy: "I've already got one rabbit at home now!"