Thank You for downloading the Big Fat Blogger Jokes App on your Nokia Phone.
For any queries feel free to e-mail me here.
Does anyone else want to try?
A man limps into a bar with a cane and alligator. The bartender stops him and says "Hold on a second here - you can't bring that animal in here, they aren't allowed!"
So the man says, "But my gator here does a really cool trick..."
The bartender says "Well then, lets see!"
So the man whips out his dick and shoves it in the gators mouth. He then takes his cane and starts bashing the gator in the head with it. A crowd gathers around and everyone is astonished when he pulls out his dick without a single scratch.
He looks around at the crowd and says, "Does anyone else want to try?"
An old lady raises her hand and says..."Sure, but don't hit me with that stick."
Heavenly Golf
Moses, Jesus, and an older bearded man were playing a round of golf. Moses stepped up to the tee and hit the ball. It headed toward the water. Quickly, Moses raised his club and the water parted, allowing the ball to roll to the other side onto the fairway.
Next, Jesus came up and hit his ball toward the same water hole. This time it hovered for a few seconds over the water. Casually, Jesus walked over to it and chipped it up onto the green.
The older man then teed up and whacked the ball which headed over to a nearby highway. It bounced off the top of a truck and rolled down the gutter of a nearby house, then landed safely on a lily pad in a small pond where a large bullfrog swallowed it. At that moment a large eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog. As they passed over the golf course, the frog burped and the ball fell out of his mouth and into the hole for a beautiful hole in one.
Moses turned to Jesus and said, '' I hate playing golf with your dad.''
source- saswata.banerjee20@g
Love Marriage VS Arranged Marriage - The IT Perspective
Love Marriage: Resembles procedural programming language. We have some set functions like flirting, going to movies together, making long conversations on phone and then try to fit all functions to the candidate we like.
Arranged Marriage: Similar to object oriented programming approach. We first fix the candidate and then try to implement functions on her. The main object is fixed and various functions are added to supplement the main program. The functions can be added or deleted.
Love Marriage: It is a throwaway type of prototype as client requirements rises with time thus it is a dynamic system and difficult to maintain.
Arranged Marriage: Requirements are well defined so use of waterfall model is possible.
Love Marriage: Family system hangs because hardware called parents are not responding.
Arranged Marriage: Compatible with hardware Parents.
Love Marriage: You are the project leader so u are responsible for implementation and execution of PROJECT- married life.
Arranged Marriage: You are a team member under project leader parents so they are responsible for successful execution of project Married life.
Love Marriage: Client expectations include exciting feature as spouse cooking food, washing clothes etc.
Arranged Marriage: All these features are covered in the SRS as required features.
Love Marriage: Acceptance test possible you can try before you Buy.
Arranged Marriage: Product is sold on an as is where is basis. Product once sold will not be taken back!
Classic Cars-
One day there was a Bihari going in a Fiat Car at 45KMPH on a high way and enjoying his drive.
Suddenly a Sardaji came Booiiiiiiiiinnnnnnn on a Honda and peeped into the car and shouted at the Bihari -? Kabhi honda chalaya kya?? and sped off, The Bihari was surprised but he did not bother. After some time the Sardarji came Booiiiinnnnnnnnnnn... in the opposite direction, peeped into the car and shouted again? kabhi honda chalaya kya?? and sped off , This time the Bihari was annoyed, since the sardar was teasing about his driving. After some time again the Sardar came back speeding and said the same thing peeping into the car. The Bihari was about to say something but the Sardar sped off. This time the Bihari increased his speed but suddenly stopped as he found the sardar lying on the road, bleeding. He got down and mocked at the sardar ? Kyon Sardarji , Kabhi Honda chalaye kya?? The sardar said ? Wohi to puchraha tha, Mein Brakes doond raha tha?-----------
Suddenly a Sardaji came Booiiiiiiiiinnnnnnn on a Honda and peeped into the car and shouted at the Bihari -? Kabhi honda chalaya kya?? and sped off, The Bihari was surprised but he did not bother. After some time the Sardarji came Booiiiinnnnnnnnnnn... in the opposite direction, peeped into the car and shouted again? kabhi honda chalaya kya?? and sped off , This time the Bihari was annoyed, since the sardar was teasing about his driving. After some time again the Sardar came back speeding and said the same thing peeping into the car. The Bihari was about to say something but the Sardar sped off. This time the Bihari increased his speed but suddenly stopped as he found the sardar lying on the road, bleeding. He got down and mocked at the sardar ? Kyon Sardarji , Kabhi Honda chalaye kya?? The sardar said ? Wohi to puchraha tha, Mein Brakes doond raha tha?-----------
What they really Mean!
PCMCIA:- People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
ISDN: It Still Does Nothing
APPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
SCSI: System Can't See It
DOS: Defective Operating System
BASIC: Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
IBM: I Blame Microsoft
DEC: Do Expect Cuts
CD-ROM: Consumer Device - Rendered Obsolete in Months
OS/2: Obsolete Soon, Too.
WWW: World Wide Wait
MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
PENTIUM: Produces Erroneous Numbers Thru Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics
AMIGA: A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction
LISP: Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parentheses
MIPS: Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
WINDOWS: Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers
RISC: Reduced Into Silly Code
the Birth Program :-
"DADDY! HOW WAS I BORN?" Junior asks his dad,
His dad, who is a software engineer sighs and replies, "Ah, my son, I guess one day you would have to find out anyway!"
"Well, I saw your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on YAHOO. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, but it was too late to hit the delete button."
"Six weeks later your mom sent me an instant message saying that her operating system was showing signs of unauthorized program activity from a self extracting file which had implanted itself in her BIOS."
Then nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared and said: 'You've Got Male'!
His dad, who is a software engineer sighs and replies, "Ah, my son, I guess one day you would have to find out anyway!"
"Well, I saw your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on YAHOO. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, but it was too late to hit the delete button."
"Six weeks later your mom sent me an instant message saying that her operating system was showing signs of unauthorized program activity from a self extracting file which had implanted itself in her BIOS."
Then nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared and said: 'You've Got Male'!
NOTICE- Millennium Year Application Software System
This memo is to announce the development of a new software system. We are currently building a data center that will contain all firm data that is Year 2000 complaint. The program is referred to as the "Millennium Year Application Software System". (MYASS).
Next Monday at 9:00 a.m. there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will continue to hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS. As for the status of the implementation of the program,
I have not addressed the networking aspects, so currently, only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands.
Several people are using the program already and have come to depend on it. Just this morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find he had his nose buried in MYASS.
I've noticed that some of the less technical personnel are somewhat afraid of MYASS. Just last week, when asked to enter some information into the program, I had a secretary say, "I'm a little nervous. I've never put anything into MYASS before." I volunteered to help her through her first time and when we were through, she admitted it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again. She went so far as to say that after using SAP and Oracle, she
was ready to kiss MYASS.
I know there are concerns over the virus found in MYASS upon initial installation, but I am pleased to say the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS. We planned this database to encompass all information associated with the business.
So, as you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want into MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be common place to walk by an office and see a manager hand a paper to an employee and say, "here, stick this in MYASS." This program has already demonstrated great benefit to the company. In a recent audit, an employee was asked where he had secured the numbers on the report. He proudly exclaimed, "I just pulled them out of MYASS."
Next Monday at 9:00 a.m. there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will continue to hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS. As for the status of the implementation of the program,
I have not addressed the networking aspects, so currently, only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands.
Several people are using the program already and have come to depend on it. Just this morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find he had his nose buried in MYASS.
I've noticed that some of the less technical personnel are somewhat afraid of MYASS. Just last week, when asked to enter some information into the program, I had a secretary say, "I'm a little nervous. I've never put anything into MYASS before." I volunteered to help her through her first time and when we were through, she admitted it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again. She went so far as to say that after using SAP and Oracle, she
was ready to kiss MYASS.
I know there are concerns over the virus found in MYASS upon initial installation, but I am pleased to say the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS. We planned this database to encompass all information associated with the business.
So, as you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want into MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be common place to walk by an office and see a manager hand a paper to an employee and say, "here, stick this in MYASS." This program has already demonstrated great benefit to the company. In a recent audit, an employee was asked where he had secured the numbers on the report. He proudly exclaimed, "I just pulled them out of MYASS."
are You Smart Enough?
The following quiz just came from Arthur Andersen.
Please see if you are smart enough. The following small quiz consists of 4 questions, it tells whether you are qualified to be a professional.
According to statistics of Andersen Worldwide around 90% of the professionals failed the exam.
Scroll down for the answer......don't cheat!!!
The questions are not that difficult.
You just need to be a
bit.............
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
The correct answer is : open the refrigerator, put
in the giraffe and close
the door. (Simple enough ?) This question tests
whether you are doing
simple things in a complicated way.
.
.
.2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator ?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.Wrong Answer: open the refrigerator, put in the
elephant and close the
refrigerator Correct Answer: open the refrigerator,
take out of the
giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.
This tests your prudence.
.
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference,
all the animals attend
except one. Which animal does not attend ?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
..
.Correct Answer: The Elephant! (Why? Scroll Down!)
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
The Elephant is in the refrigerator! This tests
whether you have a
comprehensive thinking. OK, if you did not answer
correctly the last three
questions, this one may be your last chance to
testify your qualification
to be a professional.
.
.
4. There is a river, which is filled with
crocodiles. How do you manage to
cross it?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Correct Answer: Simply swim through it. All the
Crocodiles are attending
the Animal Conference!
I hope you got this one correct.
Please see if you are smart enough. The following small quiz consists of 4 questions, it tells whether you are qualified to be a professional.
According to statistics of Andersen Worldwide around 90% of the professionals failed the exam.
Scroll down for the answer......don't cheat!!!
The questions are not that difficult.
You just need to be a
bit.............
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
The correct answer is : open the refrigerator, put
in the giraffe and close
the door. (Simple enough ?) This question tests
whether you are doing
simple things in a complicated way.
.
.
.2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator ?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.Wrong Answer: open the refrigerator, put in the
elephant and close the
refrigerator Correct Answer: open the refrigerator,
take out of the
giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.
This tests your prudence.
.
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference,
all the animals attend
except one. Which animal does not attend ?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
..
.Correct Answer: The Elephant! (Why? Scroll Down!)
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
The Elephant is in the refrigerator! This tests
whether you have a
comprehensive thinking. OK, if you did not answer
correctly the last three
questions, this one may be your last chance to
testify your qualification
to be a professional.
.
.
4. There is a river, which is filled with
crocodiles. How do you manage to
cross it?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Correct Answer: Simply swim through it. All the
Crocodiles are attending
the Animal Conference!
I hope you got this one correct.
the Worried Mother.
A mother had three daughters and at their weddings she asked each one of them to write home and tell her about their married life.
The first wrote back on the second day. The letter arrived with a single message, "Maxwell Coffeehouse " The Mother is confused but finally noticed a Maxwell coffee ad, which said -
"SATISFACTION TO THE LAST DROP...."
So, Mother was happy.
Then the second daughter got married and after a week she sent home her reply. The message read; " Gold Flake."So the Mother looks for the Gold Flake ad, and it says -
"LIVE LIFE, KING SIZE."
And Mother is happy
Then it was the third one's wedding. The Mother was anxious. It took 4 weeks for a message to come through. When it did the message was simply "BRITISH AIRWAYS". Mother was so concerned. She frantically
went through all the newspapers at home looking for a B.A. ad. She found one and fainted.
YOU KNOW WHY ??????
???
.......
.........
..................
The ad read: "FOUR TIMES A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, BOTH WAYS."
.
The first wrote back on the second day. The letter arrived with a single message, "Maxwell Coffeehouse " The Mother is confused but finally noticed a Maxwell coffee ad, which said -
"SATISFACTION TO THE LAST DROP...."
So, Mother was happy.
Then the second daughter got married and after a week she sent home her reply. The message read; " Gold Flake."So the Mother looks for the Gold Flake ad, and it says -
"LIVE LIFE, KING SIZE."
And Mother is happy
Then it was the third one's wedding. The Mother was anxious. It took 4 weeks for a message to come through. When it did the message was simply "BRITISH AIRWAYS". Mother was so concerned. She frantically
went through all the newspapers at home looking for a B.A. ad. She found one and fainted.
YOU KNOW WHY ??????
???
.......
.........
..................
The ad read: "FOUR TIMES A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, BOTH WAYS."
.
Heaven's Strategy
Hillary Clinton died and went to Heaven (ahem!).
St. Peter was giving her a tour of Heaven when she noticed here were dozens of large clocks on the wall. Each clock displayed a different time of day.
When she asked St.Peter about the clocks, he replied, "We have a clock for each person on earth and every time they tell a lie the hands move. The clock ticks
off one-second each time a lie is told."
Special attention was given to two clocks. The clock belonging to Mother Teresa has never moved, indicating that she never told a lie. The clock for Abraham Lincoln had only moved twice. He had only told two lies in his life.
Hillary asked, "Where is Bills' clock?"
St. Peter replied, "Jesus has it in His office....He is using it as a ceiling fan"
St. Peter was giving her a tour of Heaven when she noticed here were dozens of large clocks on the wall. Each clock displayed a different time of day.
When she asked St.Peter about the clocks, he replied, "We have a clock for each person on earth and every time they tell a lie the hands move. The clock ticks
off one-second each time a lie is told."
Special attention was given to two clocks. The clock belonging to Mother Teresa has never moved, indicating that she never told a lie. The clock for Abraham Lincoln had only moved twice. He had only told two lies in his life.
Hillary asked, "Where is Bills' clock?"
St. Peter replied, "Jesus has it in His office....He is using it as a ceiling fan"
What is IIT?
The Indian Institutes of Technology is another name for IIT, which is the acronym for Institute of Infinite Tension, Institute of Indian Technology, etc. These institutes of so-called national importance were set up by the Indian Parliament at various campuses across India, decided purely on merits of political alliances of the ruling party. Operation IIT began under Prime Minister Jawaharlal Nehru to reduce the average intelligence of Indians. Just like Zion in Matrix, where 3% of the people who do not accept the Matrix are gathered together to prevent dissent as a whole, IITs were formed by the Government of India to gather at one place the 3% of the intelligentsia of the country and export them away. The IITs have proved to be very productive, growing from a single institute in 1951 to 16 now (and counting).
the Blind Man and his Dog
This blind fella is standing at the corner with his seeing eye dog waiting to cross the street, when his pooch lifts his leg and you guessed it, right down the side of his nice herringbone tweed trousers.
The guy immediately reaches into his jacket pocket and retrieves a doggie treat which he starts to offer to the dog.
A businessman, who is also waiting to cross the street, observes this happening and interrupts, "None of my business, but are you aware of the fact that your dog just wizzed all down the leg of your pants?"
"Yes, I'm trying to break him of that habit", replies the blind man.
"Well, it's none of my business," retorts the onlooker, "but you're not going to teach him much by rewarding him with a treat!"
To which the blind fella chuckles, "Oh I'm not rewarding him. I'm just trying to find his head so I can kick his ass!"
the Accountant.
A businessman tells his friend that his company is looking for a accountant.
His friend asks, "Didn't your company hire a new accountant a few weeks ago?"
The businessman replies "Yah, yhat's the accountant we're looking for."
His friend asks, "Didn't your company hire a new accountant a few weeks ago?"
The businessman replies "Yah, yhat's the accountant we're looking for."
Women's Night Out.
Two women go out one Friday night without their husbands.
As they head back home, they felt the urge to pee.
They noticed the only place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway.
The first one did not have anything to clean herself with, so she took off her panties, wiped, and threw them away.
The second woman didn't have anything either, and thought, "I'm not getting rid of my panties..." After looking around for a minute, she used the ribbon of a flower wreath to clean herself.
The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other, "We have to be on the look-out, it seems that these two were up to no good last night. My wife came home without her panties."
The other one responded, "That's nothing. Mine came home with a card stuck to her butt that read, 'We will never forget you'
As they head back home, they felt the urge to pee.
They noticed the only place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway.
The first one did not have anything to clean herself with, so she took off her panties, wiped, and threw them away.
The second woman didn't have anything either, and thought, "I'm not getting rid of my panties..." After looking around for a minute, she used the ribbon of a flower wreath to clean herself.
The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other, "We have to be on the look-out, it seems that these two were up to no good last night. My wife came home without her panties."
The other one responded, "That's nothing. Mine came home with a card stuck to her butt that read, 'We will never forget you'
Bin Laden, What a surprise!
10 years,
trillions of dollars,
thousands of soldiers dead,
state of the art technology,
but the US finally found Bin Laden.
In his house.....
trillions of dollars,
thousands of soldiers dead,
state of the art technology,
but the US finally found Bin Laden.
In his house.....
What an Idea..!!!
My laboratory assistant has invented a device that allows you to steal other people's ideas and then permanently delete them from the subject's memory.
Why didn't I think of that?
Why didn't I think of that?
Stamina
I met a girl in a nightclub and told her 'I'm going to fuck you in my bedroom, my bathroom, my kitchen and my lounge when we get back to mine'.
She replied, 'Wow, let's go, it's good to find a man with such stamina these days'.
For some reason she didn't seem too impressed when we finally got to the caravan.
She replied, 'Wow, let's go, it's good to find a man with such stamina these days'.
For some reason she didn't seem too impressed when we finally got to the caravan.
Beware of Fools
The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard at low pay for long hours.
The blacksmith immediately began his instructions to the lad
"When I take the shoe out of the fire, I'll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer."
The apprentice did just as he told. Now he's the village blacksmith.
The blacksmith immediately began his instructions to the lad
"When I take the shoe out of the fire, I'll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer."
The apprentice did just as he told. Now he's the village blacksmith.
Lawyer's Advice
These two guys, George and Harry, set out in a Hot Air balloon to cross the Atlantic Ocean.
After 37 hours in the air, George says "Harry, we better lose some altitude so we can see where we are". Harry lets out some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon descends to below the cloud cover.
George says, "I still can't tell where we are, lets ask that guy on the ground".
So Harry yells down to the man "Hey, could you tell us where we are?".
And the man on the ground yells back "You're in a balloon, 100 feet up in the air".
George turns to Harry and says "That man must be a lawyer". And Harry says "How can you tell?".
George says "Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally useless".
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